What school jitters?

Yesterday marked the first day of first grade for Scarlett and the first day of fourth for London. I cannot even believe I have a fourth grader living in my house. I mostly fear the amount of homework that is coming our (my) way.

The kids woke up on their own, got dressed and ready for school then came in and disturbed my slumber.

I asked London, "what time is it?"

"7:25"

"what time did you wake up?"

"well, I thought it was 8 and got nervous we'd be late so I got up. When I looked at the clock in the kitchen it said 6:58 so we went back to bed and slept until 7."

"you slept a whole two extra minutes?"

"Yep."

"ok then."

That made me smile. My girls have been whizzing in their pants almost everyday over the fact that school was about to start. They were eating breakfast and both of them stopped and said they couldn't eat anymore and that their tummies hurt. Um, I gave them each half a packet of oatmeal. Don't overdo it on the oatmeal, guys. That was when i officially knew they were really nervous, yet excited. I remember feeling the same way! It was so exciting. As a kid.

We got them dropped off to their spots (they have to line up outside then the teachers come get them). I was a little nervous about scarlett because the school is so big and confusing-I get lost in there all the time. So I didn't care. I waited in line with her and walked in with her and the class. I'm pretty sure her teacher thought there might have been something wrong
with me but alas, I got to walk my daughter to her first day of first grade. It was bittersweet. And I missed them all day long.

I have pictures but because the apple people failed miserably when inventing the ipad and didn't invent it with uploading capabilities, we all miss out.

I have a fun dentist. You should get one.

I sit down in the chair and Mr. Dentist comes bounding in, like a school girl, saying, "what's new? What's going on? Tell me everything." I'm totally not even kidding. So I think to myself for a minute. Hmmmmmmmmmm, is he asking about teeth/dentistry stuff? Or are we to the point in our relationship where I can ask him about that rash on my butt? I decide to play it safe. "oh not much. Still having bad teeth." he just laughs and lowers my chair. He's a fun guy.

Question: when i'm in the dentist chair am I supposed to close my eyes and play it way cool? Or do what I normally do, which is stare straight ahead, all gimpy and wide-eyed, hoping to high-heaven he is looking in my mouth at all times and not at my mass of facial imperfections? This one confuses me to no end.

After numbing me up good and plenty, like those sick licorice candies, he proceeds to place on a dental dam(which is a green sheet of latex stuff they put around the tooth that needs work or something or other. I think. I don't actually know), while cranking my mouth open with a pint-size version of that tool the Gynecologist uses to check my business. It's pretty much all downhill from there in my head because all I can think about is birthing babies. Out of my mouth. I begin to feel a bit invaded. My mouth is stretched so far that when the dentist says, "we're just going to open you up a little wider" I have a split-second thought: dude, I can barely fit a whole lemon in this thing and you want me to pretty much fit a watermelon? A tad dramatic, yes. come on, guys, he had pretty much given me an epidural of the mouth!

Anywaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay, he then says, "move your head to the side a snitch. Yeah, that's a real dentist word. There's plenty more where that came from." what? I don't even know what that means. But it's funny. And like I said, he's a fun guy. I think one day I'd like to be his dental hygienist. And I've never even thought of being anyone's dh before. But I'd be his.

It's about time, I know.

I haven't had the urge to blog recently, as you may have noticed. Partially because I've been busy, partially because I have no camera with which to take beautiful pictures to go along with my posts, but mostly because nothing is happening all. The. Time. I know, I know, I just said three lines above that we've been busy. But it's doing all the same stuff you're all doing and probably blogging about already.

So begins the random list of nothing and everything.

1. We recently went to Portland for our summer vacation and it was delightful. We got to see my sister and her darling family. Then i cried the first two hours of the drive home.

2. We go swimming. All the time. Atticus is a freaking nut job in the water. We start at zero entry, right? Then he continues to walk and walk. And walk, not allowing me to hold his hands, until at last his head is completely immersed, like baptism day. I pull him out and he's all like, what? Then grins. It drives me insane. I hate near-drowning children the most.

3. Scarlett recently strolled the hood carrying a water bottle in a brown paper bag. Yes. Just like the homeless and the alkies. This deserves it's own spot because of it's sheer awesomeness. I'm not bragging that she may one day pin that moment to be the beginning of the end for her but you have to admit she's one tough chick.

4. Atticus is all of a sudden 4 yrs old. We shaved his stupid head and it's probably my biggest regret. Of my life. Bigger than that one time I....well, you get the idea. The point is that he looks huge. I hate hugeness. I hate huge-looking babies. Plus, if I can't convince lee that four kids is our future, addy just may be my last human baby.

5. We saw shrek forever after or shrek the final chapter or shrek 4 (not sure of the official title) and I thought it was superb. Definitely the summer blockbuster. "do the roar" "I love you, daddy". Go see it. Now. After reading this.

6. Summer is my favorite season. I hate the heat. I hate that I "can't" wear tank tops but man, all of the craziness that is our summer is soooooo fun. BBQ's, swimming, fireworks, carnivals, night games, camping, staying up late, no actual schedule, kids playing all day with friends, etc. It's why I became a mom. All for summer. I birthed three chitlins for the sake of reliving my summers past. I'm that mom who cries when her kids are riding on the gayest ride ever, the carrousel. Fo real.

7. I am excited and not excited for the twilight summer concert series. The bands that are coming are well-liked by me but the crowd is not. I have not decided what I am going to do about this. It's free, which is a plus but I can handle only so many hipsters in one place.

8. We may be moving. Again. Our lease is up at the end of august, which is very soon. Maybe even too soon to decide where to go from here. We have a few places in mind. I'll keep you updated on this...

9. I still need that haircut I blogged about during my tax return post. I wear it up everyday in a clip thing. Sure, it's easy but time for a change.

how i plan to spend my tax return

this is a tense time of year for me. i want to spend our tax return on materialistic goods to, you know, stimulate the economy. lee, however, wants to spend it on boring stuff such as debt. i mean come on, what are we, our grandparents? hell no, we are a new generation of spend spend spend. so suck it, credit card companies. i don't owe you shit. i will get myself that (insert materialistic good here) before i pay your ass back. besides, you think people who have 10k in credit card debt deserve to only pay back a fraction of what they owe, whereas responsible people like lee (& myself, by marriage) manage to only rack up about 2k/yr, only to pay it off before we are even charged the insane amount of interest. i want to nancy kerrigan your ass, visa, mastercard, american express, discover, etc. and i will hire tanya harding to do it, if necessary.

having said all that, here is how i plan to spend my portion:

1. ipod nano plus nike+ sport kit-i'm a runner now, guys. big time runner. i wheeze my way through 3 miles every other day.

2. mustard-colored strappy wedges to go with my nautical striped dress. how whorey of me.

3. large area rug for dining room, to hopefully drown out the yelling, I MEAN echo, due to the lack of everything BUT a dining table & chairs.

4. patio furniture-we are now fully equipped with an enormous, gorgeous backyard, minus the actual sitting equipment.

5. grill, or as i call it a "bbqer"-um hello! we have a yard now. we will be bbqing everyday & if lee wants a hot meal, nightly, he will surrender. or he can just eat the burned bits off the broiler pan for all i care.

6. trip to portland. our 10 yr anniversary cruise turned into, "let's go on a vacation somewhere we would actually live & check it out" which then turned into, "well, hell, let's just bring the lil ankle-biters along for the ride!" cause nothing screams "retarded!" like bringing your kids along when you could have just as easily gone away to some exotic place SANS kids. (but, really, it was my idea to do a family vacation & i couldn't be more excited.) i S.U.N. (which stands for "i shit u not".)

7. a haircut/trim. ode to hair: i'm sorry hair, that i neglect you on a regular basis. it's just that you are not as important as bras, diapers, & tampons. especially the tampons. but, my friend! it's tax season so you are due for your bi-annual trim!

there you have it. a new blog entry for your pleasure. and a list of my entitlements. if you feel so inclined, you can donate to this cause by stopping by my house & delivering the goods.

Dr. worst-in-the-world & her unruly patient

 i've been sick the past few days. pretty much deathbed sick. well, deathbed by my terms. and by my terms, i mean hypochondriac terms. and by hyochondriac i mean that's what lee thinks i am. i very well could be, i suppose, but let's face it i'm not. 
 i contracted strep somehow forever ago & about every other month, it seems, streptococcus likes to ruin my life. i can usually sense it coming but this time it just hit me. like a total sucker punch. no warning. i was in bed for two solid days & after countless, useless baths, severe cold meds, & up to my eyeballs with guilt, i had had enough.

so friday night, feeling like i would never be cured & lying in bed, i told my kids i needed medicine. thus began a grueling round of doctor/patient play. london was first.

she asks, "what are you symptoms?"

i reply with, "headache, achey body, sore throat. there's a medical book out on the couch if you need it." (i was browsing thru the book to diagnose myself. i have strep, no, scarlet fever, no, rheumatic fever, no...hypochondriac? nah)

she then proceeds to take notes & head out of the room. after a few mintues she returns with, "well, i looked in the book and it seems you have cluster headaches."

"cluster headaches? ok. well i feel pretty lousy so can i have my pain killers now? i'm in pain."

"yeah, in about, oh, 2 hours."

"2 hours! what kind of hospital is this?! i can't wait that long, doc."

"should we make it 3 hours?" yes, the doctor actually threatened to withold my meds. what a crock. i mean, really. then she leaves me her extension of 957 in which to reach her, should i "need anything else."

ok, well, her turn is over. she's fired, to say the least. let's see if scarlett can do better.

"hi. i'm dr. joseph. what's wrong with you?" good start, i guess.

"i'm sick. my throat hurts, my body aches, & i need medicine."

"ok. does your sore throat make you feel happy or sad?"

"sad." she then proceeds to write she is sad on my medical chart.

"looks like you have cluster headaches. well, i'll just be out here if you need me. my number is 957."

i start to throw a fit and scream, "no! i need my medicine." london decides to call security so i calm down. there's no way i'm letting them throw me in the looney bin. i mean, i only suffer from cluster headaches. let's not overreact.

i'm calm and dr. joseph decides to give me my medicine and ask, "does your medicine make you feel happy or sad?"

"happy."

she writes she is happy on my chart.

can you see why i adore my children? they have these incredible imaginations.

i really should play with them more often.

gettin' fresh & not fresh at fresh market.

pet-peeve#1: don't sell me four-kind shredded cheese container, only to bring it home to then ask myself, is that bleu cheese crumbles or mold, to then look at the expiration date: january 26, 2010. mold. because that only means i have to drag my ass (and by drag i mean drive the 0.5 miles) back to the store, unload heavy baby, complain about your false advertising (albertson's changes to fresh market to then sell moldy cheese?), and then have me reeling over pet-peeve number 2, below.

part a: when i'm standing in the grocery line, don't stand one inch away like you know me. you don't know me. i can guarantee it. and even if you did, the only person who should be standing that close is my husband, pants down. yes. see that ring right there on my finger? that stands for i'm married. part b: when i move a bit farther up the line? that stands for i'm moving away from you & you should stay where you are so i can have my own breathing air. we don't need to mix our molecules & air cause, remember? i'm married. happily. and besides, i don't do that on the first standing-too-close-to-me-in-line. if you didn't notice the ring, which by the way is not my wedding ring cause i lost that, then the fact that i'm holding my 15 month-old son in my arms should be your next clue. that should tell you i'm at least involved. but i guess that could mean that i'm easy. which could be the very reason you are standing so close, stealing my air. ew. move along.

note to self

self: sending a text to your best friend saying that you just farted for the first time, where lying about it was clearly not an option, in front of your daughers, who thought it was hilarious, will most likely be read by said best friend's 8 year old daughter, who will then say, "mommy? you got a text from raina." pause. "and it was funny." great. now everyone knows that moms do, in fact, fart.

note to every other mom out there: do you fart in front of your kids? i have always been able to play it off, like, "oh that? that was just the house making noises again," or "i just moved the chair and it sounded like a toot! isn't that funny??" and luckily for the naivity of my children, they totally bought it. everytime. plus, i told them that mom's never fart.

my morning cup of coffee.

this morning i woke up to this:

(lee) "i had a pretty funny dream last night."

(me, half asleep) "yeah? what was it?"

"i dreamt that i had a band-aid on each of my pinky toes. and i took them off.

and they smelled soooooo good."

im.press.ive, i know.

and difficult to go back to sleep after hearing something so inspring.

kids.

i am fiercely in love with my kids. i find myself wanting to spend more and more time with them lately. yeah, sometimes they annoy the hell out of me, make me want to rip my face apart, or better yet, their's, or dare i say? send them back. but there has been no greater joy in my life than having my 3 gorgeous children. well, except for the day i got to have sex with my husband for the first time, which was in fact, our wedding day, which was in fact a beautiful & glorious day.


yesterday scarlett and i were trying to play SORRY while atticus crawled around all over the floor, destroying anything that got in his way. he came over to us and started pulling on the table cloth, where the game was sitting, almost pulling the entire thing off. scarlett got up, picked him up and said, "here. i'm just going to give him to the toys."


later, we were all just lying on the floor being silly, normal stuff. you know, like addy trying to regurgitate his graham crackers into my mouth, slobbering everywhere. so we got out the camera and recorded this. (important note for the end of the video: he's just learning to nod when you ask him a question.)







i love that his head practially falls off his neck.
we then proceeded to play with some mustache i found hidden in lee's pocket. i guess he wanted to surprise me for role play night? he likes to dress all good cop/bad cop sometimes.

speaking of "does this make my ass look big"?

the past few days i've been unfortunate enough to catch a glimpse of my love handles, muffin top, or what have you, that just won't quit. when this happens i want to shout at lee or the kids, "who left the cottage cheese out again?!" only to smack myself with reality that, hey! that's me there. this throws me into an obsessive frenzy. we're talking like, amy-fisher-shot-joey-buttafuoco's-wife-in-the-face obsessive. and then it makes me go all lorena bobbit.

and when this happens i usually beat myself up about it, vowing to try harder to be a little better ;) only to treat myself with not one, but two, bowls of cocoa krispies for breakfast, lunch, or dinner. or all three, if i'm feeling really awesome about myself. it's one continuously vicious cycle.

i'm going on a cruise in like 4 months. if i get all healthy & do it the right way, that's only a 24-lb loss. then that thought just throws me back into the frenzy and i get all orangey-birdy in a factory cuckoo for coco puffs.

but i'm willing to try. cause that is like losing 2 dress sizes, which is like losing two whole nicole richies. cause we all know she is scrawny as hell. and we all know how. sometimes i wish i could lack morals like her.

but my mama taught me better.

ingenius liars.

"does this make my ass look big?" and instead of just throwing up on me with "no, your ass makes your ass look big", he says, "i think you look hot."

he thinks total genius. i think total avoiding the question here. and he thinks, dodged that one. and i think, if you had said yes i would have drop-kicked then b*tch-slapped you faster than you could say just kidding and if you had said no, you have a nice one well, then i still would have drop-kicked you. repeatedly.

then i think, total genius. i'm a total. genius.

visions of sugarplums

lee & i are planning on going on a cruise for our ten year anniversary in may. now, i have never been on one before so i'm super thrilled. for real. like, pee-my-pants excited. like, punch-someone-random-in-the-face cause i'm so excited. like when my husband was a kid riddled with ADD, probably even ADHD, & he'd be so excited about something he'd just hit people.

however, everytime i envision myself on said cruise this is what i see: i'm dancing around, wildly, in a little bikini, holding a huge bottle of some sort of alcohol that is almost empty, being all loud. well, more like obnoxious and eating a butt-load of food. and hanging all over strangers. probably even the strange strangers.

then i do a reality check and say to myself:

self, you've had 3 kids. 3. kids. liposuction & boob lift first, then bikini. no one wants to have nightmares of a giant, gurgling hamburger tummy chasing them.

and second, self, if you'll remember, you don't know what alcohol is, let alone even drink alcohol.

when i take a step back & look at this scenario, i'm reminded that it is very similar to the last ten years of tara reid's existence.

so then i grab my oversized robe. and tie that b*tch tight.

i heart babies.

isn't it a pisser when

you think you got enough wipes

for the baby's wretched diaper,

only to find you have gotten

poop on the fingers anyway?

welcome to my world.

playmate of the year

my kids love beautiful people. they stare incessantly, almost uncomfortably, when they see someone exotic or beautiful. wait, i take that back; they just stare in general; drop-dead gorgeous, drop-dead-cause-you're-ugly. it doesn't even really matter.

yesterday i was at target & up ahead of us there was a girl standing in line; long, bleach-blonde hair, heavy make-up, tiny body, boobs the size of texas and california. oh hell, boobs the size of the united states, hawaii & alaska included. she was cute. total playmate wanna-be. as soon as i saw this girl i watched scarlett to see what she would do.

sure enough, like a fly on poop, she spotted her right away and did not let this girl out of her sight. sensing i was about to say something about her lack of proper manners, scarlett spoke first saying, mostly to herself but out loud & slowly, "wait. i think... yeah... i know that girl" (as though she were giving herself an excuse to stare). snickering at the fact that she is 5 and this girl was probably in her twenties, i quickly shot her down and said, "no you don't. where would you know her from?"

then i'm thinking, is your dad taking you to clubs again?

(*i would like to say, in my defense, that i teach my children that beauty is on the inside & that it doesn't matter what a person looks like, everyone is unique. and that that's just something ugly people say. just kidding. but no matter how many times i express this to them, they just can't help their fascination. kids are intrigued by people. and it's ok. no one ever died from being stared at too much.)

sinner.

so, it's considered naughty when your daughter starts singing Beyonce's, "a diva is a female version of a hustler, of a hustler", right?

but...

it's worse when she sings it incorrectly & says, "i'm a hustler. i'm a hustler", right?

oopsies.

toenail update

lee and i were talking about the previous blog post and i said to him,

"did i even tell you that story of when london & i were reading in our bed?" getting super excited and disgusted all at once.

"yeah, you did. did i tell you i found it?"

"found what?"

"the toenail."

"what?! where?!"

"under my pillow. the other night."

"sick, lee. what did you do with it?"

"well, i got it from under the pillow and tossed it behind the bed."

look of disdain crossing my face. "you did not. that is so effing gross."

"raina, i was sleeping. i wasn't going to get out of bed."

well gee, i mean, why would you?

this is coming from a man who feels it should be my wifely duty to clip his toenails. it would be a service.

wrong and wrong.

quirky quirksters

i'm just going to get right into it. my kids are quirky. besides nose-picking. because everyone does that. well, almost everyone. scarlett enjoys smells. she can smell a piece of paper and say, "mmmmm, that smells just like so-and-so". i guess you could say she has a true talent, if you wanted. london, on the other hand, is bit more strange. let me explain.

last night scarlett, after having been tucked in tightly not just two hours earlier, came upstairs to my room & interrupted my magazine reading with this:

"my toe hurts." i'm thinking to myself, wow. that's a new excuse. so being the compassionate mother that i usually am not, i ask, "your toe? why?" she proceeds, "london bit off my toenail." she then thinks it necessary to show me.

"sick!" (told you, not very compassionate.) "um, what happened?!" (it was bitten down to the part where it begins to hurt & gets a tinge of blood. yeah, i know. what. the. hell, right?)

"well, she said i could sleep in her bed if i let her bite it." (did i ever mention my kids are master manipulators?)

laughing, mostly out loud & a titch to myself i say, "well, why'd you let her do it?"

"i wanted to sleep with her. do you have a band-aid?"

and there is nothing more to say concerning that.

the other day london and i were reading together in my bed. as she was reading, i noticed her voice sounded a bit off. i looked over and noticed a whitish, transparent piece of something hanging over her lip and then pop into her mouth.

i interrupted with, "what is that on your lip?"

giggling, she replies, "my toenail." (yeah, really effing hilarious)

i get this look of utter disgust on my face; i can feel it. and say, "your toenail? and you're chewing on it? in mybed? that is sick. don't drop it in my bed, london. i'm not kidding."

read, read, read some more. then,

"uh-oh. i dropped it." swiftly pull back the covers, rummage, rummage, rummage.

nothing. nothing.

"i can't find it."

"reading time is over. out of my bed."

funny thing is, lee does the exact same thing: reads & talks with a toenail hanging from his lip. i have no one to blame but the man i married.